So many changes in the last 6 months. Time for an update.
School is amazing! I am trying to soak up as much information as I can. I am doing all my reading ahead of time, I wrote a paper early, I am doing extra credit assignments. I only hope I can keep this momentum for the next 4 years! I chose my major: Integrative Biology. I'm not even sure what it means except that I can choose the direction of study I take and focus on animals more than plants or humans. I finally have an idea of what I want to do with my life. It's not a perfect plan just yet, but it's developing. I went to the zoo the other day and I belonged. I miss those animals so much. But I couldn't have stayed at Marine World. It was an abusive and destructive environment. I watch people in class raise their hands and shout out these answers with such confidence and before I realize that I am jealous, I look at them and think how foolish they are. If you keep your mouth shut, you are never wrong. It is hard for me to trust that my professors are actually trying to teach me, not to mislead me or make me dependent on them for every answer.
I have only been in class two weeks, but I have learned so much. I have more to add to conversations now. I'm remembering that feeling I had in high school that I was innately intelligent. That the only reason I ever had a bad grade was from lack of effort. After dropping out of school twice, and 3 years of being told how stupid and incompetent I am, it is a strange feeling to have. He really got in my head. But in 3 years I also had the experience of a lifetime. I got to take care of elephants. I could teach them. I could hug them and climb on their backs and treat their ailments. I could look in Taj's eyes and know what she was thinking. We had inside jokes. She was more of a co-worker than an animal, but she needed me more than a person would. I don't think she liked me all the time, I could tell when she didn't, and that was fine. I respected her. I miss her.
So now the plan is to get a degree. After that? Who knows. Find some of my old contacts and go from there or settle down and teach somewhere. Maybe go to Africa as a conservationist. No more offices.
But speaking of changes and offices, I won't have a job after next week. I 've been lucky that my temp job has lasted this long. Now I'll have to get one that pays less and allows less time for homework. Ah well, I'm adaptable. I guess it's time for me to earn the money I make.
Another change is one of residence. The man for whom we are house-sitting, decided that Afghanistan is not the vacation paradise that he imagined it to be and has come home early. Jason and I are moving to Provo city housing. We will have to pay rent, but it will be cheap. The biggest downside is that they do not allow pets. I am so blessed because my dad will let my cat stay with him. 2 weeks ago I didn't think of it as a blessing. I cried until I got sick. But after a priesthood blessing from my brother and some prayer, I am more relaxed about the idea. I still don't want to give her up, but as soon as I can afford my own place, I can take her back. We move on Tuesday.
Heather has written to Amber to set me up with someone. I am feeling pretty pathetic. I've been here over 3 months and I still don't have any friends of my own. Everyone here is very young. I feel like the oldest freshman in the world. So hopefully, somewhere in Salt Lake there will be someone I can feel normal around. I just watched Anne of Green Gables. When Anne goes to Queens Academy, Aunt Jo tells her, "Leave room in your life for romance, Anne girl, no amount of scholarships or degrees can make up for the lack of it." Well, I'm
TRYING Aunt Jo! Do you think I'm happy that the only romance I've had in the last 10 months has been in Jane Austen novels and over email?! BACK OFF! Hence the request for a setup.
Well that's about it. I still don't feel very settled here, but I am pretty proud of the way I've handled each change as it has come. This is right. I am where I should be and I am so excited for everything else that will come.
